Before

I became a Christian eight years ago, at the start of 2004 when I was 27. I usually have trouble remembering what life was like for me before then, but recently a few things have brought it all to mind. So here's the old me :/. A good person, a nice person, fun to be around and knowing, but never really putting herself out for other people and broken and jaded inside.

I used to care deeply about what people thought of me, if they liked me. I yearned to be esteemed, even regaled, as an talented, creative person. I was enormously insecure. Other people's opinions were all there was in my world and I wanted to matter. I didn't realise I was smart but I did think I was somehow special, and I didn't want to go through life without that being known. I didn't know there was a God who had his own view of me, who made me and whose opinion mattered more than a world full of people.

I used to be pretty lost really - one friend said there was a desperation about me that reminded him of streetkids he knew. But I was good company and I don't think my other friends really noticed this part. I felt as if I was floating through life, a bit of a gypsy. I moved around and expected that I always would. When I had a problem I'd move on, or if this wasn't possible, I'd stop myself from thinking about it. I was really, really skilled at this. Inside I was always anxious and striving. I didn't know that it was possible to face your brokenness and sin, to have it completely forgiven, and to start over clean and new and cared for. I didn't know that you could live your life with peace in your heart, and with a sense of true groundedness in God and a true home with your brothers and sisters on earth, and one day in heaven.

I trusted my friends - I knew they were always there for me and that they cared about me and would never betray me - but I didn't trust them with what was closest to my heart. I didn't trust anyone with anything precious. I didn't know that you could have brothers and sisters, broken like you, willing to sit and hear the deepest things and pray for you.

My world was much, much smaller then. I was aiming for a life rich with travel, experience and creativity. A life shared with good friends, a husband and kids. I thought this was really living. Difficult relationships troubled me but the only workable option I could see was to distance myself. I thought that's just the way life went in the adult world. I didn't see a world full of people to care for, a spiritual realm, an eternal future. Didn't know there was much more to be pursued and celebrated than your own narrow context.

I didn't have a metanarrative then, just a collection of hardwon wisdom and 'wise' sayings. I was happy with this: I thought it realistic, the way life really was - not tied up with a ribbon, but the good and bad and ugly and joyful and everything mixed in together. And all that could be done was to live each moment to the full, follow your heart, and learn a few things along the way. Things that sounded beautiful, liberating and true to me then are now vapid, juvenile and untenable. Now I live my days with the staggering privilege of knowing what this world is, what it is for, where it goes, and what is my part.

I had a feeble vision of how good life could be. It was what it was and you just had to make the best of it that you could. To be Good seemed lifeless, cold and enslaving, and to forge your own path - however Wrong that might be - liberating, mature, savvy and free. I thought I was leading the fun, authentic life. I had no idea that Goodness was at once joy and clarity and sweetness; that you could still wholeheartedly enjoy all the good things in life, giving thanks to God; and that living in obedience to his ways would bring such a sense of rest and completion.


I rejoice that - not because of anything I ever did, but by his grace alone - I am now one of those of whom it can be said:

you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. (1 Peter 2:9-10)