How porn has hijacked our sexuality

                              *****warning: discussion of explicit material below*****













Pornland: How Porn has Hijacked our Sexuality is a disturbing and important read - and not for everyone. I'm pretty skilled at skim-reading and glancing over pages but I still accidentally read stuff I wish I hadn't. I'll try to make this post less explicit than the book but, unfortunately, it will still be necessary to mention some ugly stuff and to use swear words. You don't have to read it of course.

The topic of porn is important and complex enough that I'm going to quote quite a lot of what Dines has to say. She begins the book by describing what she found after googling "porn". It accorded with a study that found "if we combine both physical and verbal aggression, our findings indicate that nearly 90% of scenes contained at least one aggressive act, with an average of nearly 12 acts of aggression per scene".1 Dines concludes that porn teaches that women are "always ready for sex and are enthusiastic to do whatever men want, irrespective of how painful, humiliating, or harmful the act is,"2 and men are "soulless, unfeeling, amoral life-support systems for erect penises who are entitled to use women in any way they want."3 She says:

In a world populated by women who are robotic 'sluts' and men who are robotic studs, the sex is going to be predictably devoid of any intimacy. Porn sex is not about making love, as the feelings and emotions we normally associate with such an act - connection, empathy, tenderness, caring, affection - are replaced by those more often connected with hate - fear, disgust, anger, loathing, and contempt.4 

For this to be possible, "[i]t is especially important for the pornographers to shred the humanity of the women in the images, as many porn users have sustained and intimate relationships with women in the real world."5 They do this by having the male performers call the women abusive names, thereby reducing them to sex objects. And women are portrayed as seeking out sex "because [they] love to be sexually used," so lessening any guilt the viewer may feel.6 Dines reaches a disturbing conclusion: "This framing of sexist ideology as sexy and hot gives porn a pass to deliver messages about women that in any other form would be seen as completely unacceptable . . . . By wrapping the violence in a sexual cloak, porn renders it invisible, and those of us who protest the violence are consequently defined as anti-sex, not anti-violence."7


It gets still more horrible:

At first these images may well be exciting, but the more seasoned user will soon find that porn, because of its formulaic nature, becomes predictable . . . . Missing from porn is anything that looks or feels remotely like intimacy and connection, the two ingredients that make sex interesting and exciting in the real world. Drained of these, porn becomes monotonous and predictable to the point that users need to eventually seek out more extreme acts as a way to keep them interested and stimulated.8

Yet however ugly porn sex is, it is, in some sense, 'successful':

it offers men a no-strings-attached, intense, disconnected sexual experience, where men always get to have as much sex as they want in ways that shore up their masculinity. The sex acts are always successful, ending in supposed orgasm for both, and he is protected from rejection or ridicule since in porn, women never say no to men's sexual demands, nor do they question their penis size or technique. In this world, men dispense with romantic dinnners, vanilla sex, and postcoital affection and get down to the business of fucking.9 

However when men who use porn enter the real world they:

feel like sexual losers . . . . They worry that they're not good-looking enough, smooth enough, or masculine enough to score, and since the porn view of the world suggests that women are constantly available, these men are bewildered by rejection. They often express deep shame about their inability to hook up, and this shame morphs into anger at their female peers who, unlike porn women, have the word 'no' in their vocabulary . . . . Hooking up, however, brings its own set of disappointments since the mind-blowing porn sex they were anticipating looks nothing like the sex they are actually having . . . . With these feelings of inadequacy also come feelings of anger towards the hookup, as she is not as willing as Pornland women to have porn-like sex . . . . What troubles many of these men most is that they need to pull up the porn images in their head in order to have an orgasm with their partner.10 

The attitudes towards women promoted by porn will help push some men to rape, "but many more will beg, nag, and cajole their partners into sex or certain sex acts . . . Some will use women and disregard them when done, some will be critical of their partner's looks and performance, and many will see women as one-dimensional sex objects who are less deserving of respect and dignity than men, both in and out of the bedroom."11

Porn is damaging for women for more reasons than those canvassed above. The porn world means that the "Stepford Wife image, which drove previous generations of women crazy with its insistence on sparkling floors and perfectly orchestrated meals, has all but disappeared, and in its place we now have the Stepford Slut: a hypersexualised, young, thin, toned, hairless, and, in many cases, surgically enhanced woman with a come-hither look on her face."12 Dines continues:

what is different about today is not only the hypersexualisation of mass-produced images but also the degree to which such images have overwhelmed and crowded out any alternative images of being female. Today's tidal wave of soft-core porn images has normalized the porn star look in everyday culture to such a degree that anything less looks dowdy, prim, and downright boring. Today, a girl or young woman looking for an alternative to the Britney, Paris, Lindsay look will soon come to the grim realization that the only alternative to looking fuckable is to be invisible.13 

This normalisation of porn culture is bolstered by women's magazines which promote - and teach - kinky sex, as well as instructing women not to make too many demands of their men.14 In all:

the sheer ubiquity of the hypersexualised images . . . gives them power since they normalize and publicize a coherent story about women, femininity, and sexuality. Because these messages are everywhere, they take on an aura of such familiarity that we believe them to be our very own personal and individual ways of thinking. They have the power to seep into the core part of our identities to such a degree that we think that we are freely choosing to look and act a certain way because it makes us feel confident, desirable, and happy.15

As it does for men, this capitulation to the porn world brings with it a degree of success - it enables women to be:

sexually wanted by a man: the way he holds you in his gaze, the way he finds everything you say worthy of attention, the way you suddenly become the most compelling person in the world . . . . it feels like real power; but it is ephemeral because it is being given to women by men who increasingly, thanks to the porn culture, see women as interchangeable hookup partners. To feel that sense of power, women need to keep sexing themselves up so they can become visible to the next man who is going to, for a short time, hold her in his lustful gaze.16 

Sadly though, hookup sex isn't what women really want - they want a relationship, and experience regret, low self-esteem and depression when this doesn't work out, as well as the risk of being labelled a 'slut'.17 Yet Dines argues that women have come to believe they deserve nothing more.18

In her conclusion Dines acknowledges that the gargantuan porn industry will be difficult to stop, but commends individuals who take a stand in their own lives. She has started a pressure group which produces resources designed to raise people's consciousness. She advocates a positive vision of "a sexuality that is based on equality, dignity, and respect."19 Dines is not a Christian and nowhere does she suggest that marriage is the best place for this, but it's certainly what comes to my mind.


1 G Dines, Pornland: How Porn has Hijacked our Sexuality (Boston: Beacon Press, 2010), xxii.
2 Ibid, xxiii.
3 Ibid, xxiv.
4 Ibid, xxiv.
5 Ibid, 63.
6 Ibid, 64.
7 Ibid, 87-88.
8 Ibid, 68.
9 Ibid, 63.
10 Ibid, 89-90.
11 Ibid, 97-98.
12 Ibid, 102.
13 Ibid, 104-05.
14 Ibid, 107-09.
15 Ibid, 108.
16 Ibid, 112-13.
17 Ibid, 114-15.
18 Ibid, 117.
19 Ibid, 164.

Doubt and be saved

It's okay to doubt you're saved. It's not nice and it doesn't have to be that way, but doubting won't lose you your salvation. You are saved because of Jesus, not through strength of character or even strength of faith. You could go through each day of your life doubting your salvation and still be welcomed into heaven at your death. In fact, it's rather people who take their faith for granted who may have cause for concern. We need to examine ourselves and make sure that we do know Jesus, that we are not one of those to whom he will say "I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!" (Mat 7:23). It is to these people that the terrible warnings of Scripture are written (eg Heb 6:4-8; 10:26-31) - to his own Jesus says, "I shall lose none of all that he has given me, but raise them up at the last day" and "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (John 6:39; Heb 13:5; see also 6:17-19; 9:15).

Knowing this means that you can cut yourself some slack when you doubt. Emotions can be unkind and unruly things and doubt may come upon you unbidden. Or it may be Satan's doing. Either way, you must simply stand firm, continuing to believe the Gospel of salvation (John 6:40). Or, if your doubt comes from a small view of God, a lack of understanding that he will hold onto you even when you cannot hold onto him, all you need to do is repent and get to know him better.

Books

My old SMBC lecturers (old as in they were my lecturers in times past) have been busy scribbling away. They are a very gifted, intelligent, thoughtful and lucid bunch and I would like to commend their works to you.

Bruce Dipple has written a deceptively simple book about how local churches can do a great job of cross-cultural mission. Be sure to read it carefully as it's dotted with considered, insightful gems. I don't agree with all the structures he advocates, but that's okay.

Stuart Coulton has written a novel-length church history and, as ever, communicates in a clear, engaging and easy-to-understand manner, while everywhere including nuance and carefully won conclusion.

And while I haven't dipped into it yet, if Alan Thompson's commentary on Acts is anything like his lectures, it will be eminently intelligent and faithful to the text, with warm and lucid expression.

Reality check

In proper yoga the physical is coupled with the spiritual; physical movement being a way of engaging with the divine. Some say that Christians who do yoga inadvertently subscribe to this false spirituality. The problem with this line of argument is that yoga has got it wrong. There is no 'divinity' with which you connect as you do physical movement, just as in Paul's day there were no "so-called gods, whether in heaven or on earth . . . there is but one God, the Father" (1 Cor 8:5-6). This reality means that we are perfectly free to do yoga exercises, giving glory to the God who is there.

So the problem with doing something like yoga isn't that we're getting caught up in some wrong spiritual action - it's that we might be seen to be. We might be a stumbling block to Christians who haven't thought this stuff through (1 Cor 8:7-13) and we might bring the Gospel into disrepute as non-Christians interpret our behaviour as supportive of eastern religion. But even this isn't always a bad thing - it may create an opportunity to explain that actually we think there is only one God who created all things good (1 Tim 4:4).

Making church say what you want it to say

My friend (and workmate) Nick is starting up a church in the working class suburb of Glenorchy. He's starting to think through what a church service should look like and asked for my thoughts.

There are things that work for anyone, irrespective of social class. Preaching that is biblically faithful, sincere and passionate. Leaders of authenticity, integrity and compassion. Then there's the other stuff. I think that everyone needs to see a) the Sunday service playing out in the rest of the week, b) the festive, life-well-lived side of Christianity, and c) the caring Christian community.

Middle class people need to be shown the relevance of the Christian message for everyday life (think a pointed, concrete conclusion to a sermon). We need to see that you can be a Christian and still embrace creativity and aesthetic (think creative branding and experimental service structure). We love things like meeting together each week, sharing a meal, playing barefoot bowls, going to someone's shack.

Working class people don't need to be shown the relevance of the Christian message - they need to see ordinary people talking about their actual life (think a public time of sharing what God has been doing in the past week). They need to see that you can be a Christian and still have fun (think sport, video games, fairground attractions, food - but don't fuss over aesthetics and don't mess with the traditional church service). They love things like have a barbie and getting stuck into a project or helping out someone in need.

Am I right? I'm very much middle class, so the working class stuff is just based on observation. Also, I think my middle class comments are more for the 'younger generation'.

Seventy percent

I'm delighted to say that, as of last week, I've reached 70% of the ongoing financial support that I need. When I get to 80% I can book my plane ticket! I'm anticipating hitting that mark in the next fortnight or so and heading off at the start of February. This will give me time to do a good job of finishing up my work for Crossroads and to have a decent holiday/prep time.

I'm very aware that it is because of people's generosity that it is all coming together for me. My supporters are absolutely serving and caring for me, yet at the same time they are serving God as they fulfill the role that he has for them. Indeed, people's generosity is "a sacrificial offering to their God as part of their obedient worship. Their giving is to be just as thoughtful as when the Israelite of the Old Testament went and chose the lamb without blemish from his flock. It is intentional. It costs. But it is an act of spiritual worship that pleases God because it is in tune with his desire that Christ be known" (see Philippians 4:14-19). How lovely.



Quote taken from B Dipple, Becoming Global: Integrating Global Mission and your Local Church: a Practical Approach (Sydney: Sydney Missionary & Bible College, 2011), 73-74.

Homebrand

I always buy homebrand if the quality's going to be okay (so no asparagus or tuna). I've gathered that there are reasons not to, but preferred to wallow in my ignorance than take the confused path to knowledge. Happily The Weekend Australian explained it to me (they've gone digital, so no reading this article unless you pay).

The problem with homebrand is that anyone could be behind it. This means that the supermarkets can switch suppliers at whim (does it really? don't they have contracts or something?), which isn't very nice. It also means that it has the potential to reduce competition over time, as the supermarkets reduce the number of other brands - which means that the price of homebrand products could actually rise over time. While there may be truth to this, it does seem a little silly to buy a more expensive product in the hope of keeping prices down longterm. Then there's the argument about how homebrand undermines 'buying Australian', but I've always been just as much a fan of supporting producers overseas as I am of supporting locals - though then you get into the craziness of transporting food hundreds of miles when it could be locally produced or you could just do without until something's in season . . . yet I still care about supporting those overseas guys.

So I think I'll keep buying homebrand for now, unless I find out that it really does mean that they stuff round their suppliers.

He has shown kindness

On a couple of occasions the book of Acts sees Paul presenting the Gospel message to Gentiles who had no knowledge of either Jewish religion or Jesus himself. Early on in both addresses he spoke of the Creator God:

We are bringing you good news, telling you to turn from these worthless things to the living God, who made the heavens and the earth and the sea and everything in them. In the past he let all nations go their own way. Yet he has not left himself without testimony: He has shown kindness by giving you rain from heaven and crops in their seasons; he provides you with plenty of food and fills your hearts with joy." (Acts 14:15-17)

And later in Athens:

The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us." (Acts 17:24-27)

We find it harder to begin our appeals like this today. Even if we don't think that science has in any way dethroned God, then my guess is that we're not very good at arguing for this and we don't want to spend our time there. But maybe folks are more on our page than we imagine - afterall, a fair whack of people think that there is (or could be) "something beyond this life that makes sense of it all" (from here), and the Bible tells us that at some point God's eternal power and divine nature are "clearly seen, being understood from what has been made" (Romans 1:20).

So maybe we should kick off as Paul does. Hobart people should certainly be able to identify with the provision of food and joy.

Christian language

I can't seem to find it but I'm pretty sure I wrote something about my desire to speak plainly in front of my non-Christian friends. Praise God I've more or less got there. Now I want to have the courage to use Christian language. I want to be free to use words like "forgiveness", "sin", "reconciliation", "resurrection" and "grace", instead of always avoiding them or translating them into ordinary language.

I find encouragement from the apostles who adapted the content of their preaching to their Gentile audiences, but didn't necessary adapt their language. So for example, Peter spoke simply about "the good news of peace through Jesus Christ, who is Lord of all" and about how Jesus "is the one whom God appointed as judge of the living and the dead . . . . everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name" (Acts 10:36, 42-43).

 I want to be someone who in conversation will sometimes uses phrases like, "the living God", "message of light", and even perhaps, "judge the world with justice" (Acts 14:15; 26:23; 17:31). I wouldn't want it to be very often, but I would like it to be there.

Happy endings in Australia //2

My quest has its own happy ending: The Tree.

When women and SMART goals don't mix

The Crossroads staff is pumped to see our church grow and mature. We're passionate about seeing people take the 'next step'. We don't mind how soon it happens or how rapidly they progress - we'll leave that with God, as any change is his doing - but we want to do all we can to facilitate their growth. Trouble is, this sort of thinking lends itself to a task-oriented approach that doesn't quite match with what I'm doing...

With most of the women I meet, identifying concrete goals and working towards them hasn't seemed the way to go. Instead I've ended up helping them with stuff as it crops up (eg lack of assurance, peer pressure at work), helping them mature in 'incidental' godliness, rather than furthering them along a pre-planned path.

One of my fellow staffworkers has helped my thinking here. While acknowledging that women are less task-oriented than men, he identified that a more planned approach can be helpful for:

• Habitual/learned 'shortcomings' ("not necessarily sins, though! . . . . e.g. a woman who complains, 'I've gotta get more organised!!'").
• Competence ("I find it helpful to think of growth in terms of the MTS categories of ministry suitability [Character, Competence, Conviction]. Regular Bible study will move people forward in character and conviction; I have no doubt about it. But it won't necessarily help them progress in competence.")
• Specific areas of character and conviction ("e.g. 'I've always wanted to understand what the phrase in Christ is on about'--it's possible to set some goals and help them move forward there.")
• And finally, "I wonder if the 'incidental' approach nevertheless benefits from a dose of 'deliberateness' . . . For example, as we discover someone's lack of assurance, rather than *simply* reading John 6, we could set the 'goal' of writing out a prayer based on v37 for them to come back to when they're feeling 'lost'."

This is all a most helpful addition to my more, ahem, organic approach. But I do think that with women there will be times when structure has to be temporarily abandoned. This is because even if they might be interested in progressing in some planned way, they (we!) can find it almost impossible to start on this when there are other issues troubling them. Women seem to get more rocked by/caught up in stuff than men (?) and really do need to work through an issue before they can return to what was planned. [Of course this can become unhealthy and get way out of hand, but I'm more thinking of the average, mature woman here.]

So in these times you have to cut women quite a bit of slack, ditch your plans and address what needs addressing now - while keeping in mind where you are ultimately wanting to go with them (and how this thing you're dealing with right now might fit into that). Of course this calls for a good amount of flexibility and discernment.

Women and men - a bit different. Who'd 've thought!


H/T Bernard