Along the way

Seven years ago, my boyfriend of just over three months broke up with me, because he didn't love me. The (absence of) feeling was not mutual, but I saw then and now that it was a good and right decision. It was easily the greatest suffering I have experienced, though it lacked the actual despair of an previous relationship breakup when I did not know God. I tell you this because I've been over that guy for a while now (though the experience has marked me); because for the last two and a half years I have enjoyed the gift of contentment which God one day rewarded me with; and because I have just started a relationship with a wonderful man!

I fought every moment of that long, long time to bring it all to God and to suffer well. I fought with what little strength I had, and, when I had no strength, I curled up at His feet and looked to Him in brokeness and tears. I prayed the same prayers over and over - prayers for the relationship to be restored, which I knew where probably crazy-prayers but I also knew weren't bad; prayers for comfort and endurance and other-person-centredness; and prayers for trust, trust in His goodness and purposes and for satisfaction in Him. The first prayer did turn out to be a crazy-prayer; the middle three were answered again and again; and the last two took years, but I knew they were good things to aim for so I kept on asking. And now when I look back on that pain-ridden time, it's trust that I most learned, because I found Him worthy of it. And while I would never willingly chose such a time again, I can see that it was very, very good, that I fought and gained, that it gave my faith a certainty and solidity because He was there for me through it all and when I cast myself on Him, He never let me down.

The relationship with that boyfriend was good and I loved him well and truely, but I also loved him too much or in the wrong way. For various reasons, I put too much on this man, who, after all, was just a person and a man. And I absolutely could not see that there being nothing more than affection on his part made the relationship a jaundiced version of what might be.

No longer having him, or anyone else, forced me to find my value in God, to learn to be satisfied by my relationship with Him. Gosh, it's a tough lesson to learn. I don't know exactly how I got there and I don't suppose I've learned it all. I think as much as anything, I just kept on praying, reading the Bible, being utterly honest with Him, being obedient, and He did the rest.

And now He's given me, not the idea of a man, but Pablo, this particular man, with all his complexity and uniqueness and circumstance. And I come to him grateful for what I have learned and how I have grown, knowing he's a sinner like me, but with high expectations of him as a man, yet no more than that. And, one of the things that has most surprised me is that I find myself glad for our relationship's limitations. I am glad to know that Pablo can't be everything for me. I am glad that I must love Jesus more and prioritise Him above my Pablo, and that he must do the same with me. And, strangely, I am glad to know that (if we get married!) this is a project for the years of this short life, and not for all eternity. To me, these boundaries allow me to throw myself at our relationship and give it my all, but they stop me from making ridiculous demands - complete satisfaction, absolute happiness. He is mine, but only for a time. We are in this adventure together for this life, but not after. So we hold each other dearly but not more tightly than we ought. Pablo is the most amazing blessing and gift, but he is not my all - God is my all. So when I think about the possibility of losing him, I know I could, I could get through it.

There has been another surprise for me - how good it is when you are loved, when someone not only treats you with great kindness, but when you are their first delight and preoccupation, when they want to know you and make you happy. I was satisfied with far less before and I suffered so at the loss of it and did not understand! But now I see it is not theory that God had something better in mind for me! Praise Him!