How to Help Suffering People

Nb i) This list of ideas is not intended for suffering people who are also depressed, although some of the ideas may be helpful.

ii) Men should be careful to use wisdom as well as love when expressing their care for suffering, vunerable women.

iii) I've put the things I've found most helpful in italics.

iv) You don't have to do all of these to be a caring friend! The vibe is more important than the details.

Things you can do:

✔ Pray for them. Pray that God will give them strength to get through the day; comfort; perseverance to keep going; ever more trust in Him; peace beyond understanding; trust that He is working for their good; a strong hope for heaven; that He will enable them to bear up under the suffering and that they will bring everything to Him

✔ Do any kind thing you can think of. No matter what it is, it shows them you're thinking of them and you care for them.

✔ Help distract them. Invite them to do non-challenging things, perhaps things that are new and different (eg going to the Tip Shop, going to Salamanca, watching a TV show at your house each Friday night).

✔ Drop round to their house. This is good because it means that the suffering person doesn't have to use energy (that they probably don't have) to initiate or even to respond to invitations. You can stay briefly or for a while depending on what they feel like and how much time you have.

✔ Leave them be when they're crying [this one might differ for different people]. It might be nice to make reference to it afterwards, or to do one of the other nice things on this list. Or it might be best to ignore it and act and treat them normally – if they've come out of their room into your company, chances are they simply feel like and are ready for some company.

✔ Make them dinner.

✔ A sympathetic touch is good - pat/rub them on the shoulder.

✔ Email them encouraging and caring messages.

✔ Spoil them a bit (eg give a little gift).

✔ Do gentle exercise with them (eg going for a walk).

✔ Read the bible to them if they are suffering too much to read it themselves (eg Psalms, Romans 8, Revelation 21, 1 Peter)

✔ Give them encouraging sermons to listen to. Listen to them with the suffering person.

✔ Ring them up to see how they're going and say hi every few nights for a while.

✔ Cut them slack with keeping up with responsibilities. Encourage them to do what they can but to take it easy. [Nb Watch out in case they start and continue majorly not doing things they did before – this may be a sign they're getting depressed. Ask them about it and ask if they would like to see anyone about it.]

Things you can say:

✔ Don't babble! If the situation's so awful you don't know what to say, you can say that. Don't run away either. Put up with the awkwardness. Hug them or make sympathetic noises or just sit with them or whatever. They will appreciate you showing your care. And they will probably be suffering too much to notice the awkwardness of the situation.

✔ Ask how they're going. [This might be unhelpful for some people.] Do this regularly for a long time (you can ask less often as time passes, but don't stop altogether). Be prepared to listen wholeheartedly to the response. Try to respond in empathy with their pain, rather than matter-of-factly. Take them seriously if they say they're feeling bad, even if they seem ok. If this is the case, try to respond in accordance with their words rather than their demeanor.

✔ Ask how you can help. Offer to hangout with them whenever they need it. Be prepared to, and make it clear you're prepared to, do this at all hours and at short notice (if this is true!).

✔ Tell them you'll pray for them. Tell them what you'll pray for them [see the first idea]. You might want to offer to pray with them there and then.

✔ Remind them of helpful biblical truths (especially bringing everything to God in prayer, that He is working for their good in all things, that He loves them, that there will be no pain in heaven).

✔ Use your own experience of suffering to ask specific questions about their experience. This shows you understand how things are for them, but also allows them to explain the uniqueness of what they are going through. Try not to tell them about the suffering you've experienced – this may stem from a wish to show you understand but it comes across as selfish.

✔ Talk about their suffering using as strong language as you think is accurate (eg “your world of pain”). This helps them feel understood and less alone in their suffering, and helps them know that they're not a loser or crazy for feeling that bad.

✔ Suggest things that they can do to help themselves (eg reading the bible, praying, distraction, exercise, having people's company, crying when and as much as they need to, taking it easy, having a bath, writing, spending time with children or animals, doing some gardening). They may be in too much pain to be able to think of what might help. But be sure not to pressure.

Your attitude and manner:

✔ Let them do what they feel like doing and grieve as seems natural to them. Don't pressure them to do things that are convenient or comfortable or comforting for you.

✔ Treat them pretty much the same as normal, only more gently.

✔ Be pleased to see them. Show you like them.

✔ Try to understand and empathise with what they are experiencing, regardless of whether you can fully understand, whether you disapprove of the situation etc.

✔ When you hangout with them, try to do it in a non-demanding, relaxed way. The suffering person will just appreciate having your company.