What I Have Learned from Suffering

• The value of not being intense.

  I used to listen attentively and intensely when I was talking with someone, thinking of probing, caring questions to ask. When I began suffering I no longer had the energy to sustain this. Instead I have learned to value and enjoy people's company – even when no words are spoken. I have learned to let others listen to me. I have realised that my conversations are within God's control, and that he will guide them in a serious direction if it is his will.

• The importance of being determined to suffer in a godly way.

  I have seen this time as the ultimate test of my faith, of whether I truly desire to please and bring honour to my Lord. With this in mind, I have persevered in doing good and seeking God's help when I am weak or tempted.

• That God answers good, faithful prayers.

  I have prayed for many things. I have prayed for my circumstances to change and they have not. I have prayed for my character to improve and it has. I have prayed for things like calmness, strength to do my work, openness with others, humility. My suffering has been such that it was a matter of either maturing quickly or else responding sinfully. Had I not suffered I might not have prayed for these things, or least not so fervently.

• That you can be content and secure in God's love and protection, even when all else is pain.

  Even when I have suffered greatly, on the verge of despair, I have never quite despaired and I have never lost or doubted God's love. He is always present.

• That even when circumstances are awful and there's no hope for improvement, God's love is sufficient.

  I can see that this is true, but I am only beginning to learn it. I trust that as I know him better, this will be made obvious.

• That God can deal with the deepest pain, anger or disappointment.

  It is right for me to be open with him about everything, rather than 'dealing with it' myself. He may not deal with it straight away, but in his good time, he does.

• That grief ages you and wears your body out much quicker than time.

• That God gives you friends to support you, just when you need them.

  I have been so blessed by people's concern and encouragement.

• That persevering is what you do long after you already thought you were.

  Suffering can keep on unbated for a surprisingly long time. I have felt like I've been doing this for ages and that soon something must change. The point when you realise it's going to continue on as before, is when perseverance really kicks in. That weary point is when you really need God's help if you are to persevere.

• That when I am weak God is strong. One of my prayers that has been answered again and again is that I will be able to be kind and loving towards others. It has truly been a small miracle that when I have been very weak and sorrowing, I have continued to have a lot of my heart to give the people around me. I really have felt like this weak, helpless creature leaning on God and passing on his great love.
• The value of humility. In my suffering I have seen my weak, pitiful state and have learned that it is posturing to ever think I am more than this (though I am made in God's image . . . yet am much less than he). It is a great relief to be made honest before God and a great comfort to be loved by him. I want to doggedly pursue humility, though I tremble at the hardship I may find.
  

How to Help Suffering People

Nb i) This list of ideas is not intended for suffering people who are also depressed, although some of the ideas may be helpful.

ii) Men should be careful to use wisdom as well as love when expressing their care for suffering, vunerable women.

iii) I've put the things I've found most helpful in italics.

iv) You don't have to do all of these to be a caring friend! The vibe is more important than the details.

Things you can do:

✔ Pray for them. Pray that God will give them strength to get through the day; comfort; perseverance to keep going; ever more trust in Him; peace beyond understanding; trust that He is working for their good; a strong hope for heaven; that He will enable them to bear up under the suffering and that they will bring everything to Him

✔ Do any kind thing you can think of. No matter what it is, it shows them you're thinking of them and you care for them.

✔ Help distract them. Invite them to do non-challenging things, perhaps things that are new and different (eg going to the Tip Shop, going to Salamanca, watching a TV show at your house each Friday night).

✔ Drop round to their house. This is good because it means that the suffering person doesn't have to use energy (that they probably don't have) to initiate or even to respond to invitations. You can stay briefly or for a while depending on what they feel like and how much time you have.

✔ Leave them be when they're crying [this one might differ for different people]. It might be nice to make reference to it afterwards, or to do one of the other nice things on this list. Or it might be best to ignore it and act and treat them normally – if they've come out of their room into your company, chances are they simply feel like and are ready for some company.

✔ Make them dinner.

✔ A sympathetic touch is good - pat/rub them on the shoulder.

✔ Email them encouraging and caring messages.

✔ Spoil them a bit (eg give a little gift).

✔ Do gentle exercise with them (eg going for a walk).

✔ Read the bible to them if they are suffering too much to read it themselves (eg Psalms, Romans 8, Revelation 21, 1 Peter)

✔ Give them encouraging sermons to listen to. Listen to them with the suffering person.

✔ Ring them up to see how they're going and say hi every few nights for a while.

✔ Cut them slack with keeping up with responsibilities. Encourage them to do what they can but to take it easy. [Nb Watch out in case they start and continue majorly not doing things they did before – this may be a sign they're getting depressed. Ask them about it and ask if they would like to see anyone about it.]

Things you can say:

✔ Don't babble! If the situation's so awful you don't know what to say, you can say that. Don't run away either. Put up with the awkwardness. Hug them or make sympathetic noises or just sit with them or whatever. They will appreciate you showing your care. And they will probably be suffering too much to notice the awkwardness of the situation.

✔ Ask how they're going. [This might be unhelpful for some people.] Do this regularly for a long time (you can ask less often as time passes, but don't stop altogether). Be prepared to listen wholeheartedly to the response. Try to respond in empathy with their pain, rather than matter-of-factly. Take them seriously if they say they're feeling bad, even if they seem ok. If this is the case, try to respond in accordance with their words rather than their demeanor.

✔ Ask how you can help. Offer to hangout with them whenever they need it. Be prepared to, and make it clear you're prepared to, do this at all hours and at short notice (if this is true!).

✔ Tell them you'll pray for them. Tell them what you'll pray for them [see the first idea]. You might want to offer to pray with them there and then.

✔ Remind them of helpful biblical truths (especially bringing everything to God in prayer, that He is working for their good in all things, that He loves them, that there will be no pain in heaven).

✔ Use your own experience of suffering to ask specific questions about their experience. This shows you understand how things are for them, but also allows them to explain the uniqueness of what they are going through. Try not to tell them about the suffering you've experienced – this may stem from a wish to show you understand but it comes across as selfish.

✔ Talk about their suffering using as strong language as you think is accurate (eg “your world of pain”). This helps them feel understood and less alone in their suffering, and helps them know that they're not a loser or crazy for feeling that bad.

✔ Suggest things that they can do to help themselves (eg reading the bible, praying, distraction, exercise, having people's company, crying when and as much as they need to, taking it easy, having a bath, writing, spending time with children or animals, doing some gardening). They may be in too much pain to be able to think of what might help. But be sure not to pressure.

Your attitude and manner:

✔ Let them do what they feel like doing and grieve as seems natural to them. Don't pressure them to do things that are convenient or comfortable or comforting for you.

✔ Treat them pretty much the same as normal, only more gently.

✔ Be pleased to see them. Show you like them.

✔ Try to understand and empathise with what they are experiencing, regardless of whether you can fully understand, whether you disapprove of the situation etc.

✔ When you hangout with them, try to do it in a non-demanding, relaxed way. The suffering person will just appreciate having your company.

How to Suffer Well

Suffering well, in a godly way, may be the hardest thing you will ever do. But it is the best way to do it - for yourself now, for your growth and for God's delight in you. Suffering in a godly way does not mean you will be free from experiencing extreme pain and sorrow. It will double you over; you will moan as you walk hunched and stiff; you will sob in your room; you will be unable to start or continue working. Suffering is not a good thing. It is clearly wrong - part of this fallen, screwed-up world. There will be no suffering in heaven. And yet, in the midst of all this God is in control and working.

What to do:

• The most important thing is to be convinced of the importance of suffering in a godly way. To remember and strive for this. Then when you are tempted to suffer in a sinful way you will have reason to resist and ask God for help.

• In the midst of extreme pain, all you can do and all you need to do is to cling to God, to cry out to Him. This doesn't have to be with words. He will hear you and understand if you moan or cry or make no sound.

• When the pain is not as great, the life of the suffering person feels very different but is, in a sense, much the same as before. All you have to do is work hard, serve and be served and worship and rely on God in all that you do. It is true that working hard and serving others will mean different things for the suffering person – you probably won't be able to achieve much. That's okay. God sees everything you do and knows exactly how hard it is for you. He sees your heart's good purposes and your hard work.

But being able to live like this is not straight-forward or easy. The following suggestions should help.

• Continually bring everything to God in prayer. This might sound like added hard work on top of the struggle you are already experiencing – but it's not. It's a relief to pass each difficult thing to God, for Him to deal with. It's good to ask God to stop you from trying to deal with it by yourself.

• Ask God to bring you comfort and peace and to take the weight of your pain. Ask Him to give you the ability to bear up under the pain, to give you strength to get through the day and to give you the perseverance to keep going from day to day.

• Remember God's unshakable love for you, shown by sending His beloved Son to die for you. Pray that you would more and more come to know and find comfort in the love the Father and Son have for you.

• Remember the sure promise of heaven, where there will be no more pain. Where we will forever rejoice and be glad with our Father. Pray that your faith and comfort in this will grow more and more.

• Remember that God is in control of everything. Remember that He is somehow using this situation for your good. Remember that through your suffering God will make you more like Christ. Pray that you would continue to remember these things and be assured of them. Pray that you would be glad of them.

• Remember that God knows and understands exactly how broken and hurting you are.

• Pray for deliverance from the sins tempting to suffering people – blame, hatred and bitterness towards God, yourself or others; wrong actions in a desperate attempt to ease the pain; refusing to even countenance the reality of what has happened; unkindness to others; feeling sorry for yourself; despair; fighting what's in the past.

• Recognise that your suffering is legitimate. You are not a failure for feeling this bad and finding life this hard.

• Don't expect too much of yourself. Do what you can each day and be happy with that. Tell people from the outset if you need help fulfilling your responsibilities.

• Rest and relax whenever you need to and have the opportunity to.

• Cry as often and as much as you need to and is helpful to.

• Read about suffering in the bible or listen to sermons about it (eg Psalms, Romans 8, 1 Peter, Revelation 21).

• Seek out the company of your brothers and sisters in Christ who will love you and can remind you of God's truths.

• Be honest with others about how you're going.

• Don't be afraid to ask others for help, or to accept offers of help if you would like to. What you find helpful might be different to someone else, so it's okay to let people know what's helpful for you.

• Trust in God.