After you have done everything

I'm quite fond of this year. Things have been going well, nothing heartbreaking has happened and God has given to me a large measure of peace and joy. But it's also been a year of struggle. For many months my heart was telling me that ministry work wasn't worthwhile and I was a self-indulgent drain on the resources of people doing an honest day's work. When that eventually passed away, I found myself feeling that, while ministry work itself was valuable, my particular plans didn't count for much. And after this, I began doubting my own godliness, heavy laden with (disproportionate) guilt. Then I mercifully experienced a few weeks' reprieve, just in time for a round of supportraising at other churches. And most recently, the uncertainty of everything – my departure date in particular – started to make me feel unsettled, frayed.

I tell you all this not to get it off my chest but to testify to what God has told us in Ephesians 6. I assume that all these distracting emotions have been Satan's doing. So to fend him off, I did what God said to do: I put on his full armor, the armor of 'truth', 'righteousness', 'readiness', 'faith', 'salvation', 'the word of God' and 'prayer'. Shielded by these, I was able to 'take my stand against the devil's schemes', to 'stand my ground', and 'after I had done everything', 'to stand firm'. I didn't do anything spectacular or decisive, I just kept on going, reminding myself of things that my mind and heart once knew to be true, reading his word and praying to him, and not giving in to what I was feeling. It's been a muddled time, but it's been okay too. I knew God well enough to feel sure that he would look after me, as he has indeed done. Things are going well and I thank him for it.