Persistent in effort; stubbornly tenacious

After a week of gorgeously sunny days, it's raining. I do hope that doesn't colour this post. Well as I said earlier, I've just returned from a week going around Presbyterian churches in the north of the state. I loved the people's warm welcome but, once again, found myself squirming when I was introduced in glowing terms or commended for my selflessness. As the week went on, I realised that I just don't see myself in these terms. I am very aware of my sins and deficiencies.* That in turn got me thinking about what effect my more sober view might have on my ministry.

I know that I don't work stupidly hard at my ministry - I'm disciplined in taking rest and I delight in it. And I know that I don't work to earn God's approval or to somehow make it up to him - I rely utterly on Christ for that. Yet I do work doggedly. I think I do so because I feel unworthy and 'scrappy'. What else could someone like me do when I have been given so much? So I work, not exactly out of gratitude and not out of cold duty either, but out of loyalty and because it is the only fitting response.

Loyalty is a good starting point, but I am forgetting that I wasn't redeemed by some high-minded stranger, but by the big-hearted, compassionate, extravagant Almighty God. The God who rejoiced to see my redemption. I'm forgetting how free I am, how completely released from the burden of guilt and striving. I'm forgetting that while I should certainly throw myself into serving him, I'm to do so with glad exuberance.

I think my job has been confusing me. I've signed up to a working week full of speaking and thinking about God. That's my role and that's what people pay me for. But I'm forgetting that I'm not under complusion to do this work. "Tend the flock of God that is in your charge, not under constraint but willingly, not for shameful gain but eagerly." (1 Pet 5:2, and with thanks to John Piper for the reminder.) I chose to do it, because I thought it was important yes, but also because I wanted to and because I enjoy the work - which is just how God would have it. So I need to not see my loyal service as the essential thing and my enjoyment as an (embarrassing) add-on. I need to do my ministy with glad exuberance. :)


* Nb Another thing I've come to see is that, while it is right not to think of myself more highly than I ought, but rather to think with sober judgment and honesty about my complex motives, my sometime meanness and the swath of things I have left undone, and so be cautious in accepting other people's praise . . . it is also right to recognise all the good that God has wrought in me and so to gladly receive commendation.