Before

I became a Christian eight years ago, at the start of 2004 when I was 27. I usually have trouble remembering what life was like for me before then, but recently a few things have brought it all to mind. So here's the old me :/. A good person, a nice person, fun to be around and knowing, but never really putting herself out for other people and broken and jaded inside.

I used to care deeply about what people thought of me, if they liked me. I yearned to be esteemed, even regaled, as an talented, creative person. I was enormously insecure. Other people's opinions were all there was in my world and I wanted to matter. I didn't realise I was smart but I did think I was somehow special, and I didn't want to go through life without that being known. I didn't know there was a God who had his own view of me, who made me and whose opinion mattered more than a world full of people.

I used to be pretty lost really - one friend said there was a desperation about me that reminded him of streetkids he knew. But I was good company and I don't think my other friends really noticed this part. I felt as if I was floating through life, a bit of a gypsy. I moved around and expected that I always would. When I had a problem I'd move on, or if this wasn't possible, I'd stop myself from thinking about it. I was really, really skilled at this. Inside I was always anxious and striving. I didn't know that it was possible to face your brokenness and sin, to have it completely forgiven, and to start over clean and new and cared for. I didn't know that you could live your life with peace in your heart, and with a sense of true groundedness in God and a true home with your brothers and sisters on earth, and one day in heaven.

I trusted my friends - I knew they were always there for me and that they cared about me and would never betray me - but I didn't trust them with what was closest to my heart. I didn't trust anyone with anything precious. I didn't know that you could have brothers and sisters, broken like you, willing to sit and hear the deepest things and pray for you.

My world was much, much smaller then. I was aiming for a life rich with travel, experience and creativity. A life shared with good friends, a husband and kids. I thought this was really living. Difficult relationships troubled me but the only workable option I could see was to distance myself. I thought that's just the way life went in the adult world. I didn't see a world full of people to care for, a spiritual realm, an eternal future. Didn't know there was much more to be pursued and celebrated than your own narrow context.

I didn't have a metanarrative then, just a collection of hardwon wisdom and 'wise' sayings. I was happy with this: I thought it realistic, the way life really was - not tied up with a ribbon, but the good and bad and ugly and joyful and everything mixed in together. And all that could be done was to live each moment to the full, follow your heart, and learn a few things along the way. Things that sounded beautiful, liberating and true to me then are now vapid, juvenile and untenable. Now I live my days with the staggering privilege of knowing what this world is, what it is for, where it goes, and what is my part.

I had a feeble vision of how good life could be. It was what it was and you just had to make the best of it that you could. To be Good seemed lifeless, cold and enslaving, and to forge your own path - however Wrong that might be - liberating, mature, savvy and free. I thought I was leading the fun, authentic life. I had no idea that Goodness was at once joy and clarity and sweetness; that you could still wholeheartedly enjoy all the good things in life, giving thanks to God; and that living in obedience to his ways would bring such a sense of rest and completion.


I rejoice that - not because of anything I ever did, but by his grace alone - I am now one of those of whom it can be said:

you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. (1 Peter 2:9-10)

You've got heart

L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N. by Noah and the Whale - the title annoyed me even before I heard the song and it didn't improve on hearing. But a lot of Australians disagree with me - it came #32 in the latest Triple J Hottest 100. Perhaps because the lyrics do such a good job of capturing the modern condition:

L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N. Got more than money and sense my friend.
You've got heart and you're going your own way.
L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N. What you don't have now will come back again.
You've got heart and you're going your own way.

And later:

On my last night on earth, I won't look (?) to the sky,
Just breathe in the air and blink in the light.
On my last night on earth, I pay a high price
To have no regrets and be done with my life.

That used to be my aspiration. It felt streetwise, sage and free, a touch of melancholy beauty. Be authentic; be true to yourself; live the best way you know how; don't sweat the small stuff; stop and enjoy life and know you've done your best. That's it: there's nothing more and nothing more noble or free. What a crock. What a sad, sad lie.

Hear me

Each person's suffering is unique, or, if it's not, it feels that way, this thing that's bearing down on you now. Maybe other people have gone through the exact same thing, or worse, and felt the same way. But if you're caring for me, I want to know you're caring for me. Not because I'm selfish (though I might be), but because I'm the one who has to endure the pain. I need to know that you understand and care about what I'm going through. So don't tell someone who's separated about your own divorce, and don't share with single people the grim life of a married couple you know. At least not at first. First, just hear them tell where they're at.

Standing in judgment

The Pharisees' demand for valid witnesses to Jesus's claims never resonated with me (John 8:13). It just seemed like some random point of law - until my pastor pointed out that people have exactly the same objection today. Jesus' claims (eg "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." v12) seem so far-fetched that before taking any sort of action, we want some proof. But even if we saw him in the flesh, some would still not believe - they'd be demanding extra proof. Demanding this from the One who made the heavens and the earth, as if there could be something or someone apart from him who could pass judgment on his identity. "Even if I testify on my own behalf, my testimony is valid, for I know where I came from and where I am going . . . . I am one who testifies for myself; my other witness is the Father, who sent me." (v14, 18)

Mondays

We're back to once-a-week blogging folks. Here's why.

Taking the initiative

So it turns out that while women feel like God is distant, they don't feel like he's angry with them. Many people have been brought up to perform good deeds, not to assage a guilty conscience and a fear of God's judgment, but rather as the means to receiving his blessing. They do good not to avoid something, but to get something.

Problem with this is:

• it stops people realising how horribly shot through everything is with sin, such that even good deeds, even religious deeds, aren't as good and pleasing to God as they might like to think;
• because of this people end up thinking they are better than they actually are and more in control of their life than they actually are;
• and they think that God is sitting back, uninvolved until such time as they chose to take the initiative.

This is not the good news I know, which starts with our sin and ends with a God who sacrifices and wins all for his utterly lost, beloved children.

If I had to recommend some books...

Just suppose a friend was taking his family on a seven-month trip around Australia and he asked me to recommend some books, what would I suggest? Well here's my list. The top three get a star, though it's a close-run thing.

• The Great World by David Malouf 
• Journey to the Stone Country by Alex Miller
• The War of Don Emmauel's Nether Parts, Señor Vivo and the Coca Lord and The Troublesome Offspring of Cardinal Guzman by Louis de Bernieres (a triology I think, but you can start anywhere)
• anything by Gabriel García Marquéz (except 100 Years of Solitude - I accidentally wrote 1000 Years at first, because that's what it felt like reading it)
• *All the Pretty Horses, The Crossing & Cities of the Plain by Cormac McCarthy (a triology, but you can start anywhere)
• anything by Ernest Hemmingway (except The Old Man and the Sea) 
• The Lord of the Rings by Tolkein (this one is brilliant for a long trip) 
• Underworld by Don DeLillo
• *Mr Darwin's Shooter by Roger McDonald
• classics by the Brontes, Jane Austen and Charles Dickens are also absolutely fantastic once you get used to the olden days style of writing

Plus, if they were up for harder-to-read books, I'd absolutely add:

• anything by Patrick White
• *Parrot and Olivier in America by Peter Carey
• Ulysses by James Joyce
• some Virginia Wolf
• some Southern US writers (As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner, Wise Blood by Flannery O'Connor)

Feel like I'm missing something... Oh my goodness, I'm missing pretty much the whole of Europe, including England, the birthplace of the English language!!! I can't remember what I've enjoyed from there!?!